DAY 19: My First Love


First love feels like a look back—whether it’s in the present or as a true flashback. How could I define first love if I might not know what love means yet? Haha.

Anyway… I do believe that first loves are particularly vulnerable. Guess why? Because in my opinion, everything that happens for the first time has this kind of tendency. Well, if it’s not… Then it’s awesome!

Maybe all this time I and most people think that first love must happen with a partner or crush? I thought about it at first. I fell in love a couple times and fell into pieces right after. Heartbreak is so common in life and I don’t feel ashamed of it.

Honestly, I find it difficult to tell which is my first love. Is it love as a teenager–so-called puppy love? Or is it when having a serious relationship to discuss marriage? Go on tell me which one of that? I’m in a current state where it’s hard to clearly remember when is my first love if it’s related to “men”.

Even so, right now I’m trying to fall in love again. With myself!  During this time I was probably too focused on the feelings of others until I forgot that I have to love myself. 

In fact, when I tried to love myself, I also fell many times–in a heartbroken feeling as well. How I doubted myself, how disappointed I felt, and the various distrust that was present. But I know I have to love myself, because… Who else?

So lately… I feel like my first love became meaningless to me. Not because I don’t appreciate the existence, but because I think I’m in the mood to fall in love for the first time with myself more and more.


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